It's so hard to see domestic violence - tips?

L Sass

L Sass

Cathlete
Hi all. I truly appreciate your input on all matters so I'd like any thoughts you may have.

My brother and his family were in town for the holidays. My parents as well as sister and BIL live in town. We had a New Year's eve get together last night and my brother and his family arrived first after having come from my parents' home. Brother was crying - not knowing what to do, because he announced my sister had a black eye.

BIL is (IMO) an idiot. Sister and BIL have a 15-month old son - no other kids. BIL works construction is the summer, collects unemployment in the winter, and sits around getting high. My sister works her tail off to keep things going. Verbal arguments have really intensified recently, and I've tried to tell my sister that allowing them just paves the way for the next level. Welcome the next level. BIL spent the night of the fight in jail and now says it really taught him a lesson - he "wants to change".

It's my sister's life and only she can make her own decisions. This is a whole new realm for my family and we're clueless. I know we can be as supportive as possible - but I believe it sends the wrong message to my nephew as he grows up, etc. We can't force my sister to leave.

Have any of you had experience with this and what did you do - besides feel helpless?

Thanks ladies.

Lorrie
 
Oh Lorrie...I'm so sorry. I don't have any experience with this, but wanted to send you big {{{{hugs}}}}.

Becky
 
Lorrie, I work in the field of domestic violence (prosecution side), and it's a desperately difficult thing for the family and friends around the victim. Your sister does indeed need to make her own decisions, and she needs to work with a domestic violence advocate who can explain what her safety needs are and help her access them - IF she is willing to take that step. Your sister also needs to realize she could be jeopardizing the physical, not just emotional, safety of her child by remaining in this relationship.

The violent BILs are gifted at saying what everyone - including the victim - wants to hear to get back into the relationship, and thus the control of the victim. Drug usage can amplify domestic violence but it usually does not CREATE the impulse.

You can be supportive, yes, but you also need to pay attention to your own safety from this man; violence can indeed spill out to the family and friends of the victim if the abuser feels threatened enough.

Again, I would suggest locating some area agencies that help DV victims, and give your sister - SAFELY - the information on these agencies . . . and then the choices are hers.

Let me know if you have any questions.

A-Jock
 
Lorrie, can she contact Womensafe in Geauga County? Or maybe you can call just to get some ideas/information on what to do.

I'm sorry that this is happening.

Erica
 
Let your sister know that she has her family. Too often, the victim becomes isolated, and this limits her options if things escalate.

If your sister comes to you after any violence, don't attempt to protect her alone. Call the police and a local domestic violence agency. (Here in St. Louis we have ALIVE.) If she leaves him, she may be only be safe in a shelter.

If your BIL comes around looking for her, DO NOT deal with him yourself. Call 911!

This happened to my close friend when we were both 19. When I found out what was happening, I went to the local sheriff. The sheriff tried to talk her into leaving, but she wouldn't, so he and I called her parents, who were unaware of the problem. My friend wound up leaving him, and her parents put her in a shelter until her ex chilled out. She's now happily remarried.

A side note - the guy threatened me. He didn't follow through, but the local police let him know I was protected.

That was in 1985, before domestic violence was discussed. These days, threats are taken very seriously. Try to deal with a law enforcement official who understands domestic violence.

Good luck with this one.
 
:( This same sort of thing is happening with my sister as we speak. Her husband is a roofer and he has some deep anger/resentment at the fact he is adopted. He is noncommunicative, drinks excessively to hide his pain and he and my sister have nothing in common. My sister feels emabaressed and has lost her self confidence. To top things off my sister is extremely close with my parents and they have just left for Florida for 3 months. I told her until he gets the help he needs nothing will be resolved and she needs to ask herself is this the type of life she wants to live.
 
I was going to say I hope A-jock sees this and responds. I'm so glad she did.

My mother's sister has been the victim of domestic violence most of her adult life and it has been so difficult for my mother. My aunt is a lot like your sister, she earns most of the money in the family and essentially acts like a doormat while her a**hole husband sits on his duff and orders her around. Frankly, no one can stand being around him, and, as a result, it is rare that they are invited to family occasions and get-togethers. It's a shame because if she would just dump the creep, we would all support her and welcome her back into the family in a heartbeat. It is virtually impossible for my mother or any other member of the family to understand why she stays with him. There isn't even a financial reason, because he is just a drain on their resources.

Sorry to ramble on. Just wanted you to know that I feel for your situation, and I am so sorry.

-Nancy
 
Lorrie -

Can't add anything more than these lovely ladies have already told you. I have been in that situation myself and my response after the first smack was to leave the relationship, but I do understand where you're sister is coming from, to a point. You want so badly to believe that it will never happen again. It will. And part of the characteristic of the abuser is that he errodes any self confidence to the point where you believe what he says. It's horrible for everyone involved. I'm sorry you're going through this. Follow the advice of the wonderful ladies here, or urge your sister to. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not alone. My heart and prayers to all of you!
 
I am real sorry this is happening in your family, The only thing I know, is from what I heard about my brother, I agree drugs amplify abuse and deep seeded emotional problems also amplify an abusive person, My SIL finally had enough of my brother, He was addicted to Meth and he would get very violent, Till one night she had enough was when he pointed a loaded gun in the face of their baby, She then picked up all she and her baby had and left him, He has since gotten off the drug but his violent behavior is still there because he still has not addressed the personal issues. I wish there was some magic words but I don't think there is anything, MY heart goes out to you and your sister, and you both are in my prayers.
 
I am a former victim of domestic violence at a time when law enforcement looked the other way and didn't get involved. I had nowhere to turn and felt embarrassed and helpless. Fortunately, I was able to get away after 23 years and I'm now remarried to a wonderful man and am extremely blessed.

Don't stop encouraging your sister. Let her know where she can get help. Don't stop trying to help her. As A-Jock said, these SOBs say whatever it takes to worm their way back in. Her child may continue this cycle of violence if in this environment. I can't begin to tell you the emotional turmoil this has caused my two daughters, now in their mid-20s.

I feel like I'm being incoherent and rambling, but when I read this post it brought tears to my eyes and I'm desparately concerned about women caught in this situation.

My advice is to keep close to your sister so she is comfortable venting to someone, and do all in your power to keep her safe. I know you can't take this on by yourself and she is ultimately the one who needs to make the hard decisions. I know you must be beside yourself with worry. Just be there for her and continue to gently encourage her. I wish I had had someone that could have helped me. You're a wonderful sister to try to help your sister. On behalf of abuse victims everywhere, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you're doing for her.

Margaret
 
Dear Lorrie--I think you've gotten some really good advice, so I don't really have much to add to it. I'm just really glad that you and your family now have an awareness of the situation and can be there for any support and help she and her son may need.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic/drug addict father who beat my mom(also the primary wage earner) and my younger brother and did things to me that I probably should not discuss on a public forum. Family did not help or support us because they did not know it was going on. It was a deep dark secret, the things going on behind the closed doors of our house.

Finally, when I was 18, after 23 years of marraige, my mother got out, mostly because of worries about the effects of all this on my brother and me. My father's family, with whom we had been very close, rejected my mother and us and closed ranks around my dad, but my mom's family, while not very emotionally supportive (that's just how they are), helped us financially and stood by us as we attempted to rebuild our lives and for that I will be forever grateful.

I know that you feel helpless right now, but just the fact that she knows her family is there for her and will stand by her and that her situation is now out in the open and not a secret is huge. Hang in there with her.

You all are in my prayers.

Maggie

just a side note that by God's magnificent grace, both my brother and I have broken the cycle of domestic violence that has plagued my dad's side of the family for generations and continues to plague my cousins and their children in this generation
 
Ladies, you all are amazing. Thank you so much for your invaluable insight, direction, and support that you are giving me, so I can (hopefully) continue to help my sister. But more than my situation, congratulations to all of you who are victims of domestic violence with the courage to take action, take control, and share your stories and your support with others. You are the voice that has to be heard so that this problem gets action. Thank you.

Lorrie

PS - Annette, I tried to respond to your pm - but I keep getting a delivery failure notice. Any ideas?
 
Lorrie,

For 21 years I was also a victim of domestic violence. You are right to be concerned about your sister's children because 9 times out of 10 the behavior is cyclical. If you look at BIL's family, you'll probably see a pattern. Typically, a woman with a family history of violence will also subconsciously seek out this type of partner but not always.

Counseling is what finally worked for me. Have you encouraged her to seek help from an outside source?

Other than that I cannot add to what others have shared.
 
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