My parents (76 and 74) have recently sold their house and bought a mobile home and put it on some land in front of one of my sisters' houses. The mobile home isn't ready for occupation just yet but my sister insists on moving everything into it. My mother came over to my house yesterday in tears because my sister didn't consult with both of my parents before making the decision to empty out two storage buildings and a POD unit. Instead, she consulted with my dad who has Alzeimer's.
My mother told me not to say anything to my sister. I have tried to keep quiet but all I really want to do is rip my sister "a new one."
I have tried to let my parents make their own decisions even though they are getting older and more feeble.
This has really divided my family. My brother is a wuss and won't say anything. My sisters will stick together and gang up on me. My mother feels like I'm the only sane one that she can talk to and depend on.
I am at a loss on what to do.
I have a similar situation going on with my family back in the UK. We are 6 kids and our mother decided last fall, after looking after my dementia-riddled father at home for several years, that she needed a home situation for him because the care-at-home situation was taking its toll on her own health.
I love my father desperately, but I do not agree with sacrificing the health of one parent for the sake of the other. 4 of us gave our mother our full support. 2 of us made her suffer, guilt tripping her and playing emotional cards with her so she could suffer her decision emotionally for months and months. She has had several break down crying jags with both my eldest sister and myself, when she came to visit this may, because we are the 2 of her daughters she feels closest to.
One of the 2 making my mother suffer pissed me off so much I wrote and told her so: stop with the guilt tripping, stop patronizing my mother, stop treating our father as if her were a god to whom my mother should sacrifice herself, etc, etc. I wrote in a very reasonable fashion, I put forth my dislike of several aspects of her behaviour, asked her to stop on behalf of all of us since we were all offended by her words and actions but no-one else would take her to task, except me.
The result? She told me to go "f***" myself, unfriended me on FB and we no longer have contact. Personally, I didn't give a shit. My mother matters to me more, and she needs defending and to have support so that her voice can be heard. Yes, there are more of us supporting our mother than criticizing her, but still: a stand had to be taken.
I am not one to let people get away with this kind of cruelty, bullshit, injustice. I, in your position, would speak very frankly to my sisters on my mother's behalf, and be with her as she tells my sisters what her wishes are and as she asks for them to please be respected. You have to take the emotion out of it as much as possible: present sound, reasoned arguments, factual accounts, but stressing the emotional toll this is having on your mother who already is losing her spouse to a terrible disease, and her life is a carpet being ripped out from underneath her.
You have to be persistent, honest, be the adult. If your sisters rant and rave, let them. Let them be the childish, selfish ones. You need to put your big girl pants on and see to your mother's needs. However, be prepared for your sisters' anger to come your way. Can you handle that? Are you someone who needs everyone to get on and be nice to you? Or can you let your sisters' anger wash off you as you support your mother? I can do this: can you? If you can, suit up and get going. Or just do it anyway, because it needs doing: in the doing, you will discover your courage.
Organize a family meeting. Beforehand, compile a list with your mother of her needs, concerns and wishes. Present all siblings with a copy of this at the family pow-wow and go through it carefully. Try not to say "you did this shitty thing, you need to clean it up," but rather, "our mother is distressed at recent developments, can we please agree to work together to make her happier, more comfortable, and to help her retain the independence she has left as she ages?"
This latter is very important. My mother is now 81, and in many respects, I am now becoming the parent, as are my eldest two sisters who do the lion's share of the caring since they live close by, and my mother is becoming the child who needs my care. However, our mothers are ADULT children, in this sense, they both have a spouse with dementia and the retirement life they had mentally visualized for themselves has been stolen away. It is vital then that you strive to make sure she retains as much independence as possible, is active in her own decision making, even while you may participate in the decision-making process.
Power of attorney: supremely important. Discuss this with your mother. Can you work it out between her, her lawyer, her accountant (financial consultant), that only you gain POA? There is no point having your ineffective brother share it with you: how can he make crucial decisions on your parents' sake if disaster strikes your mother? If you don't trust your sisters, and I wouldn't, in your shoes, I would attempt to be sole signatury (whatever the word is) on the POA. Going ahead, this will allow you more control and the assurance that your mother's wishes are being fulfilled.
Step up, speak out, get it sorted. But also, behind the scenes, you and your mother need to have plain-speaking discussions about what her wishes are regarding $, her health, your father's health, their assets, in the case of her incapacitation. I would present this to my siblings as a fait accompli, once I had all the paperwork finalized. But, that's me. That's what I would do.
You can do this: you are stronger than you think. Your other needs you. Courage. Let me know if you need anything, or even just to talk things through.
Clare
