I have not posted to my blog for ages and it seems like the longer you stay away, the harder it is to come back. There's so much to say and I never seem to have time to go too in-depth into anything, even back when I posted daily. It's a problem I've always had when writing -- I had the aspiration to be a writer since I was young, but I'm just too lazy sometimes. I don't want to sit for an extended period of time doing any one thing.

So I was really honored to be the success story of the week a while back. I got my free stuff from the Cathe store and it felt like Christmas... it was hard to choose what I wanted, I really don't need any new DVD's, bands, balls, etc. SO I got the Cathlete shirt, the tank top and a few bands.

I tried to get a protection order filed against the ex, and it worked for a little while. The only contact he was to have with me was through e-mail, and it would only concern our daughter. Of course he didn't stick to that -- but the act of me writing him back to say knock it off, stop writing me, cause me to defy the order myself, so the whole thing was dismissed. Even though the judge looked at him square in the face and basically said that he needed severe help and he needed to get it thru his head that I didn't want anything to do with him, the ex took this as a "win" and things have only gotten worse from there. He shows up whenever, calls, texts, e-mails -- all the time. He cornered me at Megan's bus stop and started berating me and harrassing me, calling me a whore and a slut because I wouldn't sleep with him -- this is as we are waiting for my daughter's school bus to show up. I need to go get another order placed, but I'm afraid it won't stick because the last one was dismissed. I basically hide out in my house when I am not at work and I keep the shades drawn and the doors locked, because I know he is just going to show up. Needless to say, the stress has taken it's toll. I'm feeling pretty depressed... I'm not working out like I have been. I made the choice to drop out of my marathon coming up in November. I agonized about this for weeks. I feel like a failure for having to give this up -- I just don't seem to have the energy or the drive to run one more mile. I feel like whatever I do just doesn't seem to make a difference.

I got a second job at the local YMCA -- I just pick up towels and put away weights and keep the place clean -- eventually I will move into a coach/trainer position. We have been on food assistance since we moved here, but the benefits were recently cut and it has really hurt us. I'm trying my best to make ends meet and I am spending more and more time away from Megan to make that happen. I have not received any child support in months. And I have been supporting my mom too with money for her animals (cat food, rabbit food, etc.). So when I was short one day and told my mom that I couldn't buy her lettuce for her bunny she completely flipped out on me. She made it seem like it's such a hardship for her to watch Megan... when Megan is the sweetest, most agreeable child out there. Not like my sister's son, I'll tell you that much! I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable with her watching Megan anymore anyway. I leave for work and they are parked on the couch and when I come back they are in the exact same spot -- with the TV on the whole time. How is that benefitting my special-needs child's development??? So I have 2 jobs and very shaky child care options (the only other option is crazy-daddy). So -- another couple of reason's to feel stressed out and depressed.

SO I look back on my post and it looks like one big whine... I am considering just deleting it -- another reason I don't seem to post. I don't want to whine and I don't want to bring anyone down. I hope to get out of this funk I am in.