I am so fucking lonely. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my language, but if you are someone who follows my blog, you surely must be used to it by now.

I am someone that has always had very few friends, by choice. Those friends that I have, I see rarely, also by choice. My best friend, I drove away two years ago by being the worst possible asshole I could be, and destroying our relationship. I have thousands of relatives, most of whom I have not seen in more than 20 years and those I have seen, I am not close to.

I feel closer to the people on this forum than people I know in flesh. If it wasn't for working out, I would have self-destructed two years ago. It keeps me going, gives me an identity, some semblance of self-esteem, some focus. It is quite literally all I've got.

The ironic thing? Everything I have done in my whole life has been about trying to get away from the pain of being alone and feeling unloved. All the mistakes I have made, all the stupid and cruel things I have done have all been to just try to find and hold on to love, attention and support; I am just left sad, lonely and pathetic. Don't feel sorry for me; I brought it on myself and caused much pain in the process. Besides, I feel sorry enough for myself without any help.